Not knowing when what or how. So many unspoken goals. So many ideas. So many life stories about anything and everything. These are my thoughts on my transitions though this life’s journey. we begin from childhood “why & why nots” to Trying Teenager “oh, yes I can & yes I will”, Then becoming the conflicted adult “what I wish I did & I wish didn’t”. Current transition, Midlife Madness why didn’t realize that before?” & “I’m up, Let’s do this another way.
I have yet to experience the Seasoned Senior “I had all I need this whole time, please forgive me” & I rush for no one”. I do however have many thoughts, memories of those around me that have shared their life stories with me. Many are of those who trusted me to be apart of their end of life care, Being able to help keep these beautiful soul’s legacy alive by sharing with others is my humble pleasure.
The idea of how many people can benefit from what I can share. How to share it how I not only help others but myself my family in more ways than one. I have notes with dates, names & Places. Some on napkins or in a book. How to start ? Who can I talk to? from this?
Being encouraged by those who insist that I follow my life’s calling. I struggled to just dive in not to overthink it. While following what I was drawn to for several years now I have earned certifications in a few areas of my life long interests and passions, my spiritual connection to Divine Spirit. Becoming an ordained officiant in 2016, I was sent a flyer to apply for an online course Dream Interpretation Teacher completed in 2018. A year after I received my Notary signing agent (Online Notary) Commission. Throughout the past couple of years I came across resources on blogging, understanding the benefits sharing blogs. So I am beginning this journey with positive energy and positive thoughts.
Difficult times may knock us down. Rocky unstable paths may cause us to fall. Acknowledge the lesson, accept, release then, rise. Believing you are a blessed and powerful soul. You can rise up from this and rise, you will.
Life is different for every one. Although we may not all have been raised by two parents we all have a biological mother and father. I do not know who can benefit from this specific blog. If there is even one person or family, this can help to encourage positive change or forgiveness. I am happy to share it with the world. Are you that daughter or son who is on the fence about looking for an absent parent? possibly forgiving an abusive or absent parent? Are you the parent who isn’t sure if it matters at this point to be apart of your children’s life or is it too late? As for me, I say it matters and it’s not too late. Do it. Ask the question. Say it.
Truth be known that I love the man who was my father. Danny was not a part of my life as some fathers are for their children. This I carried with me most of my 43 years, I was aware of who my father was and at times I knew where he lived. I even attended one of his weddings. Our relationship was pretty non existent for the most part. I was not encouraged to have hate or to disrespect my father. I did that on my own as a teenager into my adult life.
Danny was human and was affected by the world as we all are. As we are all programed by our lives as we know them, as we were taught. How can we know what we are not shown? Even if we feel it in our souls we are not aware at times why we feel the need to question our upbringing or the beliefs of our ancestors and loved ones. some of us do speak up when we are old enough to finally voice our thoughts and ask the questions we feel. We all have choices and free will. Regardless of what my father chose to do or not to do in his life. I have the same free will and my own beliefs that I am entitled to and practice.
If, I was ever encouraged to feel ashamed to say I love the man who is my father because it wasn’t returned or automatically shown, well, I should have been ashamed of myself. For many years I did feel embarrassed and sad that I was wanting to be in the life of my father and him in mine, but he didn’t show the same interest for me. It was difficult to accept, to not be hurt or angry. Not knowing who this man was other than what I heard and few memories of him and I.
One of my first memories.
At the age of 3 years old, Being told by my mother that she had a surprise for me as we walked through my childhood home to the kitchen. My surprise? My surprise was my father. As I recognized the man turning towards me and him smiling, I ran to him. As he lifted me up, I threw my arms around his neck.
Just knowing that he was around I knew that there was always a possibility I would see him somewhere. Especially if I was around my siblings or at my Aunt Delia’s who is his sister. My Aunt Delia did not accept that I would refer to him as Danny not Dad. I am glad that she was firm in her way of making sure that it was known. Be that as it may, I was Danny’s daughter. He was my Father. Although, I do not know as much about my father as my older siblings, I can see how much we are the same not just in features but in personality. It is what it is. We are who we are, and I openly say I am Danny’s daughter and am proud of it. I am a strong woman because of my life experiences. Good and bad they are my experiences. All that I have struggled with in life and all I have been blessed with is what has helped my true self awaken into my purpose. I am no better than the next nor am I not enough.
Closure with my father in his final days was exactly what should have been. All the years of praying to be close with him and to talk with him had already been the plan.
Last conversation with and memory of my father
“I love him and always loved him. How I wish I could have had more time with him.” (as my father put his head back & closed his eyes) I told him how I was upset and hurt when I was younger. And blamed him for bad things that happened in my life and to me. That I never knew if he even loved me. (He looked at me like he did not know or was surprised at what I said) I told him it was ok I understand now. I apologized and asked him to forgive me. And I forgave him. I know he had probably gone through bad times himself. None of it was his fault and that I believe he is a good man. We are not perfect and do things that we are not proud of. But I wanted him to know that no matter what, nothing changed that I loved him and thanked him for being my father. He was holding my hand and smiled so big his eyes filled with tears nodding in agreement, placing his other hand on top of both mine and squeezed them. Without turning away he looked straight in my eyes we stayed that way for a few seconds. I thank God for those moments of peace and love between my father and I. That night I chose to believe though dad didn’t say it. His look and the way he held my hands told me that my father did love me.
The night before my father passed my brothers all visited him. Even though our oldest brother Daniel was in Georgia, we had him on a video call. I chose to with him that night. Daniel Torres passed peacefully in his sleep that following morning. My faith in God and in my angels gives me the comfort to know that my father and I are still getting to know each other that he is guiding not just myself, but all his children.
I would like to be the voice for all of us who can’t but want to speak up and ask the questions. To scream the words. To tell that young girl and young boy that they are loved and are so special. Free yourself from the emotional pain forgive and love. Be the voice for others that you feel you needed. It’s not too late and it still matters.
Today officially marks 8 years that she was taken home. Truth is it doesn’t matter how many years, months, weeks, hours, minutes or even seconds it has been. The fact is that she no longer physically here. As another year passes by with next right behind I continue to live each day appreciating all of life’s precious blessings. My connection with all that is. My spiritual calling with Divine Spirit/God, Photographs and fragrances keep vivid images of our life together. Music, oh how I love music, I can feel the rhythm of all life’s emotions. The beats of every heartbeat, each breath taken. It’s amazing to me that most of us do not think about how certain events or a typical day around the house would be so meaningful and memorable for us throughout the years. Hearing this was one of those times. While driving today I heard a song. One I’ve heard her sing many times. An overwhelming rush of the chills flowed from head to toe. Tears filled my eyes and as my attempt to keep smiling failed, the corners of my mouth twitched as my grin turn into a frown. Singing along out loud was no longer possible for that brief moment. Instead I paid attention to the lyrics. To my surprise there it was, there she was. “Mama” sweet beautiful Mama always had a way of getting through to me is what ran through my mind while listening to this verse.
Dream interpretation or analyzing dreams, is something I have done for as long as I can remember. Not knowing what dreaming meant or why we dream, my curiosity in remembering certain people or places going through my mind as I was sleeping only grew stronger as I grew older. I find our dream state or our “night life” so fascinating. Truly amazed with all I’ve learned, confirmed and received clarity about what our subconscious mind reveals while in our dream state.
As young children how many of us had “nightmares”? Was anyone told “if you watch that scary movie you are going to have nightmares tonight”. Or, “if you eat a heavy meal or a banana before you go to sleep you are going to have bad dreams”. Here’s another I’ve heard some parents use as a scare tactic in attempt to get their children to cooperate and go to bed. “If you do go to sleep right now the boogeyman is going to come get you. “Many times I was afraid of something or someone creepy coming out from under my bed or popping out of the closet as I was going to sleep. How could anyone NOT have uncomfortable dreams?
As teenagers and adults our voices and physical appearance are not the only parts of us that change. Our dreams also change. For some our dreams become much more vivid, intense or exciting. We can do things that we couldn’t possibly do in our waking life. I’m sure many of us have dreamt we were able to fly. Or we’re trying to run away from or towards a place or person. Only to feel stuck in the same spot. Feeling like we’re never going to reach our destination.
Dreams speak a universal language and come the of health and wholeness
Dreams bring Spiritual messages from Divine spirit (God), our angels or guides and from our higher self. When the subject of having nightmares was explained in a dream interpretation course I learned, nightmares or bad dreams mainly those dreams that scare or just straight out makes uncomfortable are not what they seem to be. It doesn’t have to mean that Freddy Kruger was going to chase me through my childhood home and down the shower drain. In actuality they are messages we receive when we are being guided to pay attention to specific areas of our waking life. It can have something to do with our physical health an area of bodies that we should get to a physician for or just be aware that there may some event that we’re going to soon face which may cause a negative impact in our lives if not careful. There is much more to our dreaming than we may have known or choose to believe.
I’d like to share a dream from an anonymous dreamer who I’ve had one on one sessions regarding interpreting their dreams. “Everything was good I was sleeping on my bunk and there was a woman under me. Then all of a sudden chaos just breaks out everything started to rot and turn ugly stuff started to come alive like little insects started crawling and I started smashing stuff and when I would smash the insect their blood would become something else like another insect and I had to smash that and I looked at the woman she was all messed up with stuff all over her I could feel the stuff that was crawling on me and I started praying and my praying wasn’t working then it started to work and the woman started to get clean of the stuff that was crawling and she started to light up like Red Green and blue.”
Given the details of this dream & key dream symbols I referred to a dream dictionary associated with Edgar Cayce A.R.E. (Insects and someone covered in insects) can represent inner fears and worry. Emotional depression consuming someone (Woman) can indicate the feminine side of oneself or another. Could be associated with feminine traits (e.g., emotional receptivity, intuition, cooperation, etc.) (Chaos) in dreams can represent overwhelming sense of uncertainty maybe uncertain of the outcome of a specific situation. Anxiety and depression even fear of the unknown. (Praying for and healing someone) represents wanting to heal others or ourselves. The desire to make a problem go away. A desire for a spiritual experience.
As I reviewed this dream and possible meanings I paid attention to my overall feeling and emotions I experienced. Viewing myself as the dreamer, my thoughts on possible messages regarding this dream suggested I’d take a closer look at what am I quietly or secretly worried or anxious about? Being a person of faith in God/Divine Spirit and in prayer. My thoughts are not to give up on myself (hold onto my faith no matter what). I feel that it can also mean I need to be aware of my emotions and reactions to things I cannot control. I possibly may become so overwhelmed with negative energy such as depression. Persistence and faith in prayer and in myself, I will overcome it and be successful leading me to gain strength in areas that I was lacking.
A week later I was speaking with the healing dreamer. They shared with me how they were feeling, that their week was not off to a very positive start. Feelings of rejection, hopelessness, being stuck, frustration leading to anxiety and depression spreading. The fact that this individual was open to their dreams and possible messages they can now take the steps needed to turn their week around for the better.
I’d like to thank this dreamer for sharing and allowing me to use their interesting very vivid & healing dream.
I’d love to know your thoughts about this dream. Are there any other symbols that you were drawn to? Or possible messages to share? Please like and share with those who would be interested.