I know I am….

I know I am unique

I am imperfectly human

I am autistic

I have dreams of normalcy even though I am normal

I don’t articulate my thoughts as fast as I think them

If my strange complexity is bothersome to others, imagine living each day as I do

I’m intelligent enough to understand the most complex situations though I don’t understand the humor of a joke

At times my unfiltered truth is thought of as inconsiderate sarcasm

When I’m happy my expression is angry

I’m lonely but I’m comfortable in my solitude

I pay attention when you think I’m ignoring you

I know I’m unique in my own way

I am human like you and you’re imperfections


Autism awareness

Bond between two cousins

Cousins, friends and survivors
Being what is called “second cousins” we have been the closest of cousins ever since we were babies. Our parents also having a strong bond growing up in Hispanic culture family is important. As grown married adults the family is encouraged to stay close by the elders. However, this isn’t always the case. Personalities an point of views change. Spouses don’t always mesh well with the family possibly because of their own upbringing. In our case thankfully our parents did. As a generation from the 60’s and 70’s our parents were “far out” survivors of the hippie era. As they became parents the party life slowed down a bit. Family gatherings were not as often. A typical gathering became far and in-between. They usually happen when there was a death in the family. Sad as it was those are the times my cousin Leslie and I were happy to be at as young girls. We’d get to see each other spend time laughing or getting into some kind of trouble. Then when the adults were done “adulting” it was time to say goodbye, until the next gathering. After throwing a fit and our parents agreeing to us getting together again soon we would happily part ways.

All was normal for us as we grew up into teens, exchanging addresses to write one another. Letters was our form of communication. Few phone calls. Cell phones were not available at the time. At least not for us. This did not bother or interfere with our communication and bonding. Leslie and I were content with writing and receiving letters.

As our lives started changing as expected, just as our parents experienced. Leslie sent me her graduation picture and invitation with her letter as for me, I sent a baby shower invitation with mine. Life definitely was different, letters sent and received became less often. The one thing that we both knew was that we were sure to see each other at the next funeral of our elders or few birthday parties of our parents or cousins.

Now adults, I being a mother and soon to be married Leslie was moving out on her own and living the single life. It so happened that my now husband was born and raised in the Southside of town as my cousin was. We were closer to each other we were able to make our own plans and get together as often as we wanted!

As mentioned several times, so far funeral gatherings had been a normal part of my cousins and my usual time to catch up. Only they weren’t as fun as when we were young girls. The reason for this is because the funerals were not for the 3rd or 4th generation’s of the family. The funerals were for our parents. Slowly and one by one my cousin and I would lose our father’s and mother’s followed a year or so after. Our bond is strangely strong and beautiful. We have been there for each other through the most difficult times of our lives. We have gone months even years without communication and will always catch up as if we talked everyday. Her father passed shortly after, her mother too passed. I was there with and for my cousin while her world was falling apart right before her eyes. Not many years later my father past then my mother followed a year later. Yes, she was there for me at the time my own world was falling apart as well.
Years later my cousin met the man who would capture her heart and show her how it was to be loved and taken care of. As I felt early on that she would meet the man who was going love her and I was grateful for prayers answered and happy for them. We grew distant for a few years due to our personal lives. I knew she not alone and I neither was I being that my family was growing by becoming a grandmother.

Present day, it’s been a few months now that my cousin lost the man who showed her what it was to be loved and to love them back. The day before I found out about his passing, oddly enough I was thinking of the time she told me about this guy who was persistent to go out with her and how I had prayed for her to find love and love find her. Needless to say I was there for and with her at the funeral. Years of not being in constant contact , we caught up over a margarita and have been in constant contact since then. Now it seems to be my time of mourning yet again. My Elderly uncle who I’m caring for, recently was confirmed that he can pass on at anytime now. And who is there for my not just me but for my family? Yes, my beautiful cousin and friend Leslie.
Being raised in Hispanic culture and the countless funerals attended has not been a coincidence its been the foundation for what our lives together would be like. Since we were young girls, teenagers and adults. She’s got my back and I have hers. No amount of time or distance has nor will ever change our bond. We are Friends, we are survivors we are cousins for life.
primas por vida

Veganism or Torturism??

My daughter’s decided to get on a healthier way of eating, living or is it torturism.
I decided to do a little research myself on veganism. What I found was
1. After having thrown up from eating unhealthy junk food. Example: ravioli in a can, takis (spicy chips), greasy burgers and cheesy pizza
My 12 year old decided to bring up the idea of becoming vegan to her 20 year old sister. As they both agreed to leaving the Meats and dairy behind. Who knows what thoughts were going through their minds. Nonetheless both young ladies were encouraged and determined to start this together.
Before actually agreeing to veganism they did some research on what a vegan eats and does not eat.
Living with others who are not planning on jumping on the vegetarian train, is going to be a challenge. Three days into the world of veganism they mentioned that they agreed to having two “cheat” days out of the week. It so happened to be a cheat day due to being tempted by pepperoni and cheese pizza that the others were having for dinner that evening. The next day my 20 year old mentioned that she had an upset stomach that evening,
My twelve year old was tempted to having a old fashion donut. But decided against it after being reminded what ingredients were used in making them.
They instead ate white rice with vegetables. Adding chocolate syrup in their almond milk was a helpful ingredient for them. Watching their facial expressions as tasting there vegan rice and drinks is a funny almost hurtful to witness. I asked how lunch was. Both in a non convincing tone said “it is good”,,, as they tried the almond milk with you chocolate syrup was hilarious. Knowing they were being watched their reactions were “taste pretty good” and under her breath as to let m hear was “taste like play dough”, “shh” said the other. I laughed at the responses. And both mentioned as they told me it’s only been few days and they will get use to it.
I curious to see how this turns out.

Have faith and it will all work out in time…

Autism is not a disease or illness…..

Diagnosed with Aspergers Living with depression and anxiety..

What goes through the minds of intelligent souls that have been diagnosed with aspergers ? Having a child now adult I have seen it up close and personal. I’ve witnessed the highs and lows of day to day living. The comfort zone, not wanting to go anywhere. To learning how to have patience when waiting for a response. Guiding and encouraging to the best of my ability. With my personal  knowledge and experience this is what I imagine happening in the mind of some individuals within the Aspergers form of autism.

Having purpose a reason to exist,  not being alone, experience all what this life has to offer.  Are you meant to be here? Why all the struggles? Can I really be the voice for others and how if I can’t even get myself to speak? Thousands of thoughts, questions and incredible knowledge.  Why can I not say anything aloud? I’ve said it in my mind more than once yet no words not even a sound just a nod. I’m not disregarding the opinion of others. Not even wanting them to walk away. Stay and share your wisdom with me and I will.. I want to share mine with you. Patiently wait for my voice to catch up with my thoughts. You may be amazed at how much I have to say. Another conversation lost, another potential friend gone. I’m not sure if I have any reason for being here. Being alone in my solitude in my mind. My comfort zone.  It’s ok I’m good here I’ll try harder next time. She said have faith. It’s all going to work out in time.

CONVERSATION: Hi and hello,  how are you? (My Thoughts)Well do you have time? Because I have a great deal to say. My life is not as I would like.  I long for acceptance and honest souls to talk to. I like that car you’re driving. I could tell you all I know about it. Year make model when it was first introduced and all the features that make it interesting to me. (Out loud) I’m good thank you. Bye, see ya.

Struggling to stay positive.  Trying to have faith like she said. How? Why do I have to live with this? Why can I not be sociable? I’m feeling depressed again. Anxiety when I have to speak.  What if I speak and it still doesn’t matter. God are you there are you even real? Help me. Guide me and bring peace into my heart. Put those who will understand in my life.

CONVERSATION: Hi and hello,  how are you doing today? (My Thoughts) I can do this I have faith, here it goes. (Out loud) I’m good thank you how about you? (Minutes later of listening to their response) I’m sorry to hear that. No I don’t mind anytime you’d like to talk call me, I know things will get better soon, have faith it will all work out in time…..

Thoughts on article of being raised by a toxic mother

  I’ve seen this article once before, but did not read it. The second time It came across on my Facebook feed being that I follow the page of higher prospectives.

In my mind as I skipped over it once before I admitted that I was not wanting to read about myself. The second time I was curious about what signs were indications of being raised by a toxic mother. So I read it. I immediately found myself judging in a negative way, having a rebuttal for each sign suggested. Why? Because I felt I was being called out on my way I raised my children. Even on how I was raised.

Outbursts of “oh this is so stupid”,”really?”

Justifying or saying that I didn’t agree with specific indications listed. It mentioned negative feelings when one thought of their mother.

Feelings such as fear, rejection, anxiety etc..

My own experiences as a child and that of mine as a parent resonate with those feelings. My thoughts of FEAR, was our children can possibly  grow into adulthood with no respect for anyone that are not disciplined and don’t think about the consequences of their actions (of course after being spoken to about why and not to do something that is not nice, not safe and not be disrespectful).

REJECTION is not an easy on to take in. As mentioned in the article not giving affection like hugs because the parent is displeased with the child. As an experienced mother and adult I am guilty of this and I can say it was done to me as a child. As sad as it is I have no justifiable reason for this. At the time I can say that my thinking was that of a child myself or I was acting as was done to me. “You just don’t want to be spanked or get in trouble, that’s why you want to hug me” that’s what I remember.

ANXIETY,  that’s an emotion that can be developed by children that “can never do anything right” no matter what is attempted in a good or hopeful manner, it usually gets put down. My not knowing the effect this had on me was thinking its a way parenting.

As we grow into adults and become Mother’s we can choose to continue the same style of parenting or to explore other methods in areas that just don’t sit well with us.

This is only one of six signs that you were raised by a toxic mother according to higher perspective.

I appreciate that it was published it does have valid points and opinions about raising children and being raised a different way than others. I believe it can help young and future mother’s and children in their parenting methods. For older or experienced mothers this can help identify the decisions made and acknowledge them with their children and start the healing process if needed.

Either raised or raising children it’s never too late to be a better mother. Afterall a Mother’s next title is granMOTHER. https://www.higherperspectives.com/raised-by-toxic-mother-2593392158.html                                                                         

ANGEL’S, being seen and heard by young children and the departing

numerous books and articles have been published on the topic of angels being seen or heard. Do angels exist at all? In most conversations the subject of infants to toddlers and those who are in their final stages of life show signs or have verbally confirmed that that see angels.
As a young girl approximately 3 years old. I was seen conversating with who described as my late grandfather who had recently passed. I no memory of this time. At 4 or 5 years old I vaguely remember thinking I saw him outside our living room window. After this I’ve yet to see the spirit of my grandfather while awake. During the span of my life so far I’ve witnessed a few experiences that some may consider as miracles or Divine healing. Sceptics will continue to look for a logical explanations.

Its mentions a verse from the bible : Jesus taught that angels are always present with children (Matthew 18:10). Most of the time angels are unseen and children are unaware of their ministry. While many children do share that an angel has been with them, the majority of children do not. It is interesting to note that children who do have angel experiences think it is normal to have one, and they take it for granted that it happens to every child. 

The verse in Matthew 18:10 (KJV) Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.

Those who are Ill and in their final stages of life are also known to have experienced seeing and hearing angels or the spirits of passed loved ones.
I having witnessed this a few times in my life. It’s all so amazing and heartbreaking. It’s left me with such curiosity as to what does it feel like when witnessing these spiritual beings of light. Is it as peaceful as described? Is really possible to connect with those who we’ve missed for so long. I’d like to believe so

Harris writes that she has seen many patients grow confident after experiencing deathbed visions of angels: “… they take that final step into the eternity that God has promised them since the beginning of time, totally unafraid and at peace.”
Patients often die soon after they see angels on their deathbeds, Guiley writes in The Encyclopedia of Angels, summarizing the results of several large research studies on such visions: “The visions usually appear just minutes before death: Approximately 76 percent of the patients studied died within 10 minutes of their vision, and nearly all of the rest died within one or several hours.”
In 2016 a survey conducted showed that 89% of Americans believe in angels. The other 11% are nonbelievers.
Hopler, Whitney.”Deathbed Visions of Angels.” Learn Religions, Apr. 17, 2019, learnreligions.com/deathbed-visions-of-angels-123844

I believe it is possible there angels being seen and heard by young children and by the departing. I believe in angels guiding us through our spiritual and physical journey. I see it as a positive when someone takes comfort in believing in angels resulting in living a more successful and peaceful life. I feel its possible they are communicating with us as children to assist in the transition from spirit to human form. And as we are departing from our human form our angels are there to welcome us back from our souls journey. Until our next ascension…?

Circle of Life

Circle of life … DEATH of a life whether it be of old age or by tragic accident of any age.

END of an addiction, a relationship, way of thinking or living, of doubting oneself, of misery.

BEGINNING of healing from A DEATH an END.

BIRTH of a child, an idea

Enjoy this circle of life. The human mind body and spirit are full of so many complex feelings wants desires and emotions that are constantly flowing within. Mourn, cry, laugh, pray, have faith and follow your dreams. Enjoy this circle of life

By: Karen E. Martinez

Parenting… What is it?

“Babies don’t come with instructions” (author unknown) take parenting classes is what most will suggest. Others will say just wing it. And there are those that say all I need to do is feed them, clothe them and make sure they dont hurt or kill themselves, their only my responsibility until they are 18 years of age. Ok.. and then what? Hope all you tried to teach them will stay in their mind ? That even though I didn’t know what the hell I was doing from bad choices to bad advice I gave because I was still learning myself, doesn’t screw up their lives? Are we to turn our heads when they make choices that affect the quality of life for them? Or continue to be there for them as some parents were there for us? Sadly there are some parents that chose to leave even before their children were “of age”. But what is parenting.

My parenting started at the young age of sixteen. Now at forty years old with 4 children I gave birth to, one stepson and nephew I helped raise I’m back to questioning myself my parenting. What is it that I am doing or supposed to do? All are adults except for my surprise twelve years ago. Now raising my first grandson of three years old. I can admit I am a typical Hispanic woman who has a stereotype live and family. But I am proud of my family I love each one more than I can ever express. They are apart of me, my tribe they are my clubs and I… well I am their momma bear. I protect them with all I am. I fight for them in any I see fit at the time.

This isn’t easy in any way. It’s the hardest job I have ever had. Rules and guidelines are always changing. They changed with the times. They change as they age. I have pretty much grown up with my children. Gone through more than I’d ever imagined. Taking my childhood and that of my husband’s removing what didn’t help us with what we wish we had. Not taking in the difference of personality traits and hereditary behaviors and illnesses. Its be a beautiful mess.

But when I am tired and weary of keeping up with each different situations they are in at this time of their lives and my own is when I lose track of what parenting is. I see and read others perspectives about what parenting is or should be. Comparing it with mine it balances out in more positive ways than negative. So then why am I questioning? Why do I tire myself with these thoughts and ideas of what is right and what is wrong? Where can I get peace in my heart? Even a little respect for the extra mile(s) I dragged myself too just give them a little more encouragement and peace in their life and in their hearts.

For me parenting is a not always beautiful and happy experience. Its filled with lots of trial and error. There are good times and bad times. We have little human beings that rely on us for love, guidance and support. Winging it some of the time with experience and even parenting classes we gain more knowledge and patience too. Although our children grow into adults and we by law are not legally responsible for them being a parent isnt over. We are still teaching them as their lives go on. Of course the rules and guidelines change. But I believe that we can love, guide and support our adult children in more of a cheerleading type of way to out it simple. Remembering that we are not perfect neither are they but enjoy the time we have with each other for as long as we are together. Be happy with who we are as parents also as human beings. Stand firm in what you be6lieve and always have faith that all is as it should be.

Watching your children walk their own path into adulthood knowing that they are being guided and protected by the light of the holy spirit.

Faith or Fear Heaven or Hell

Ever since I was a young girl I was taught to have faith in God and in prayer. Well honestly it was more of fearing God and that all I did or said was being watched and heard. In other words if I thought bad things God would be mad and I would go to hell and burn forever never seeing my family, my momma again. Which lead to my fear over taking my mind in all areas of my young to adult life.

Wanting to feel safe I prayed the way I was shown how. By the religion of my family. But was very confusing for me to grasp and truly understand until recently. So I improvised. Staying within the basic prayers I could remember. “The Lord’s Prayer” and just talking to God asking ,crying and pleading with God to protect me from evil and not to take my momma away from me. As the years went by I continued this way of thinking and praying. Going through my life of confusion. I was now a teenager in the dark of what the hell was I living for. Hatred, anger towards those who were supposed to love and care for me. Those who were to protect me but somehow I was still going thru things that hurt me emotionally and physically. Not able to comfortably talk about these things because when I tried I was told I was being dramatic or making things up, looking for attention. Blaming God for taking my grandfather away from me at 3 years old. Believing if he were still alive I wouldn’t have gone through many of my life problems. Praying for my grandfather to come to me and take me away. I was told after his death I was found talking to him and would see him. I told my mom he wanted me to go with him. I’d wish I had gone with him at the time. Maybe he knew that I was going to go through these terrible times and wanted to save me from them. So I prayed but he never came.

Fearing that I’d go to hell or evil was around me all time especially at night I prayed all the time for protection. Characters in Scary movies I’d seen were in my dreams. This was a recurring thing, so much I prayed in my dreams. When I couldn’t get my words out while I was asleep I started reciting the lords prayer over and over.. To this day I still do this.

After meeting my now husband and learning about his religion and how he was raised I learned so much about faith and prayer. His experiences were not very similar to mine but yet faith in heaven and fear in hell was there. Having my own children and now grandbaby I have done all I can to encourage them to find that religion that they are comfortable with and can understand, that they can relate to. But always putting their faith in a higher power, Divine spirit, in God. I shared my life experiences with them and all I witnessed from the negative thoughts I had and actions to the positive and amazing blessings I received from not giving up. Miracles I witnessed. Even the unexplainable.

My personal growth of my life experiences has brought me to the realization that I have nothing to fear. My faith in God and in prayer has always gotten me through the most difficult times of my life. Knowing God knows my heart and true intentions I have no reason to fear God or hell (if indeed there is a hell).


My knowledge on Dementia was pretty nonexistent until January of this year. When I started caring for my Elderly uncle who is also a Veteran. I read books and articles about it. Knowing the difference between Alzheimers and Dementia.

From from I understand Alzheimer’s disease affects our long term memory as for Dementia it affects our short term memory. It also has to do with the vascular system. My uncle is a heart patient and has several other health issues going on. Having had a stroke in October of 2018 his memory was greatly affected. His mind regresses back to the 60’s and 80’s. I am not always confident that I am the best person to care for him. But I am the only family to speak of and he appointed me his beneficiary and Power of attorney in 2011. When my dad (his brother past). That is a whole other blog I will share at a later time.

Before my uncle’s recent stroke he had a heart attack years ago that ended up with him having a defibrillator placed in. He has shown signs of memory loss since then. Little things like what days I or my husband work. Nothing to serious but I never knew those were signs of alzheimer’s or Dementia. According to pamphlets provided by his neurologist, a way of helping a patient with gain some of their memory back or helping avoid this disease is by reading, cross word puzzles really any activity that stimulates the brain.

Ever since I can remember he has always read books he enjoyed novels and would read everyday he also had a cross word puzzle by his night stand and would work in it everyday as well. His mathematical skills were and still are very strong. He was always very independent and cared for himself until recently. Now he ca not remember where the bathroom is, if he ate or not or if its morning or night time. What really brought tears to my eyes is when we were talking about his family and when I asked him about his children. He didn’t remember that his only son had died in a roll over car accident in the late 80’s I was in second grade at the time. He said he had never heard back from his son so he didn’t know anything about him. My heart felt heavy and I was in no way going to bring up what I remembered and knew about his son.

For me and I’m sure many others this disease is scary when we hear about it for the first time. I grew angry the more I realized that it was robbing my uncle of his life and me, of my uncle I’ve always known to strong and positive. I understand it’s a part of life as many thing are. Not so much if a person takes care of their health most of their lives. It can hit anyone healthy or not.

I appreciate and enjoy listening or reading about other’s personal experiences and thoughts on Dementia. They help me with my current journey.

Rain or Not …

The weather here is unpredictable one moment it’s hot a few moments later its humid them windy, cold wind blowing. The clouds start to turn black. Thunder is roaring in the sky. All the time we’re thinking “na its not going to rain.” Then … the small droplet then more droplets until they turn into quarter sized drops. Goofball size hail joining in the show as well as lighting. It did rain. 20 mins go by, so did the rain. Black Clouds part blue sky appears with the sun. Here we are again. Should we wear a raincoat or a windbreaker? Is it sweater or jacket weather?