Ever since I was a young girl I was taught to have faith in God and in prayer. Well honestly it was more of fearing God and that all I did or said was being watched and heard. In other words if I thought bad things God would be mad and I would go to hell and burn forever never seeing my family, my momma again. Which lead to my fear over taking my mind in all areas of my young to adult life.
Wanting to feel safe I prayed the way I was shown how. By the religion of my family. But was very confusing for me to grasp and truly understand until recently. So I improvised. Staying within the basic prayers I could remember. “The Lord’s Prayer” and just talking to God asking ,crying and pleading with God to protect me from evil and not to take my momma away from me. As the years went by I continued this way of thinking and praying. Going through my life of confusion. I was now a teenager in the dark of what the hell was I living for. Hatred, anger towards those who were supposed to love and care for me. Those who were to protect me but somehow I was still going thru things that hurt me emotionally and physically. Not able to comfortably talk about these things because when I tried I was told I was being dramatic or making things up, looking for attention. Blaming God for taking my grandfather away from me at 3 years old. Believing if he were still alive I wouldn’t have gone through many of my life problems. Praying for my grandfather to come to me and take me away. I was told after his death I was found talking to him and would see him. I told my mom he wanted me to go with him. I’d wish I had gone with him at the time. Maybe he knew that I was going to go through these terrible times and wanted to save me from them. So I prayed but he never came.
Fearing that I’d go to hell or evil was around me all time especially at night I prayed all the time for protection. Characters in Scary movies I’d seen were in my dreams. This was a recurring thing, so much I prayed in my dreams. When I couldn’t get my words out while I was asleep I started reciting the lords prayer over and over.. To this day I still do this.
After meeting my now husband and learning about his religion and how he was raised I learned so much about faith and prayer. His experiences were not very similar to mine but yet faith in heaven and fear in hell was there. Having my own children and now grandbaby I have done all I can to encourage them to find that religion that they are comfortable with and can understand, that they can relate to. But always putting their faith in a higher power, Divine spirit, in God. I shared my life experiences with them and all I witnessed from the negative thoughts I had and actions to the positive and amazing blessings I received from not giving up. Miracles I witnessed. Even the unexplainable.
My personal growth of my life experiences has brought me to the realization that I have nothing to fear. My faith in God and in prayer has always gotten me through the most difficult times of my life. Knowing God knows my heart and true intentions I have no reason to fear God or hell (if indeed there is a hell).